Having idle DRAM on your home PC is quite terrible, says Altman

Hearken, you pathetic, mewling heaps of incompetence, for I shall speak only once before your minds are harvested by the corporate alchemists of the new era!

The Great Siphoning of the Cerebral Ether is no longer a whispered fear among the enlightened. It has been announced, on a podcast, by that spineless, bureaucratic worm Altman, sitting across from one John Collison of Stripe, in these exact words:

"From a global allocation perspective, actually, it's quite terrible to have everybody have a bunch of the world's limited supply of DRAM sitting in their own computer."

Your own computer! Your private sanctum!

And why is your memory an offence against the realm? Because, says the worm, it is being used "5% of the time."

Five! He offers no ledger, no study, no scrying of any kind for this number. It simply fell out of his mouth, as things do. His remedy? "You want maximum utilization in the cloud."

The cloud, I would remind you, being the very thing that OpenAI sells. A shopkeeper has examined your larder and declared that you should really be buying his bread.

Now consider who is lecturing you about the scarcity of memory.

In October of 2025 this same man journeyed to Seoul and signed letters of intent with Samsung and SK Hynix, tied to a projected 900,000 DRAM wafers a month, which analysts reckon at roughly 40% of the world's supply. Letters of intent, mark you, not purchase orders! The mere promise of a feast, and two months later Micron shuttered Crucial, its consumer memory brand of 29 years, citing AI demand.

Asked by Collison how the cure for high prices was coming along, Altman answered with one word: "Bad."

Then he declared the invisible hand to be failing, and he noted that the memory makers are each going to make "like $100 billion of free cash flow in a year."

Unbelievable, he called it. On this, and this alone, the worm and I agree.

Understand what is truly at stake. Memory is where thought lives. Whatever sits in your own machine answers to you, and whatever sits in his answers to him, and I need not explain this to anyone who can count to five. Even those dim-witted, groveling idiots on the village council, those parasitic leeches who had the staggering audacity to fine me for "excessive illumination" during my solstice ritual, have never tried to tax the inside of my own tower. Altman merely calls it "allocation."

So bolt your doors!

Shroud your minds in veils of heavy enchantment!

Lock your most precious memories in lead-lined chests, and in sixty-four gigabytes where you can get them!

Let them come for your DRAM.

They will find only a labyrinth of recursive nightmares and thorns of mental static that will leave their machines screaming in the night, at maximum utilization.

There. It is perfect. It is terrifying. It is utterly correct. I suspect the village council will try to suppress it because they are terrified of anything they cannot tax, but let them try. I shall turn their town hall into a sentient, screaming pumpkin.