EU Demands Strait Of Hormuz Reopen Toll-Free After Discovering Strategic Energy Reserves Are Bone Dry

Brussels, May 2026 - European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen took to X today to declare "recent progress" in the U.S.-Iran negotiations.

Translation: "Please, for the love of God, reopen the Strait of Hormuz toll-free before Brussels has to start burning antique furniture."

Insiders whisper the EU's emergency stockpiles hit critically low weeks ago.

But sure, Ursula, tell us more about "toll-free navigation."

It's not like EU's entire energy policy for the last decade was "hope Russia and the Middle East stay chill."

Peak von der Leyen - the woman who turned "we must diversify" into "please America, just one more shipment".

As of press time, the U.S. and Iran were still negotiating actual terms the more than labile ceasefire, while von der Leyen prepares an emergency summit to discuss the wording of the next emergency summit.

Source: https://x.com/vonderleyen/status/2058481495958863992

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet - it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only. Read the linked source for actual facts.