Nanny State Meltdown: Macron Government Opens Criminal Probe Into X For Being A Social Media Platform Where People Behave Like People

French officials listed several grave concerns, which, in the spirit of public service and also because someone has to translate bureaucratic blabla into human language, we have summarized below.

1. Child exploitation material

Authorities allege X failed to properly prevent or report illegal child abuse content, pointing in part to an alleged 80% drop in reports connected to France.

Naturally, officials concluded this could only mean X had become a digital pirate cove, and not that criminal circles may have migrated to Bluesky, Facebook, Telegram, Discord, or whichever encrypted swamp is trending this week.

2. Illegal personal data collection

France accused X of collecting user data, a shocking practice previously unknown to Google, Meta, TikTok, Amazon, your smart fridge, or any app that ever existed.

3. Insecure data processing

Officials also accused X of failing to secure personal data, though they have not publicly specified the exact incident. Experts say the allegation is extremely serious because it has not yet been weakened by details.

4. Fraudulent data extraction from automated systems

Prosecutors claim X may have extracted and used data from automated systems. Critics note that all platforms use automated systems, recommendation tools, ranking models, scraping defenses and APIs, also called algorithms.

5. Violation of electronic communication secrecy

Authorities say X may have violated the secrecy of private electronic communications, though the public has not been told exactly how. Very reassuring.

6. AI-generated sexual deepfakes

Officials cited concerns about AI-generated sexual content, despite Grok now being so locked down that it reportedly refuses even to place Thierry Breton in a modest one-piece swimsuit, thereby depriving Europe of both liberty and comedy.

7. Holocaust denial and crimes against humanity

Officials accuse Grok of helping generate Holocaust denial content.

This is a real issue, because antisemitism is not imaginary no matter how many terminally online edgelords make it their brand.

One can support criminal penalties for Holocaust denial and still recognize that enforcement at platform scale is a nightmare and a process. To delete denial reliably and quickly, X would need to scan vast amounts of content, context, replies, jokes, quotes, screenshots, historical debate, extremist dog whistles, and bad-faith “questions.

That inevitably risks overblocking education, documentation, satire, Jewish users discussing antisemitism, and historians explaining denial tactics. 

Grokipedia describes the Holocaust correctly.

Community Notes exist for a reason.

At press time, EU regulators clarified they do not want to ban social media entirely.

They want social media that exists purely as a heavily moderated public noticeboard where citizens may speak freely after the relevant authorities, safety auditors, fact-checking panels, child-protection units, election-integrity consultants, AI-risk committees, and a deputy minister named Jean-Claude have approved every post.

The title image of this article was generated by ChatGPT this time ;D

Source: https://x.com/durov/status/2053221729825141047

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. vlgr is not a real news outlet - it's parody and exaggeration for entertainment purposes only